Grief doesn’t follow a script. But God meets us in every stage of it. This is my honest account of walking through loss and finding that His presence never left.
There are no words that can make this pain smaller, no perfect thing to say that will ease the weight and devastation of loss. Depending on the circumstances surrounding their death, as we grieve the loss of a loved one, it can be ugly, hard, and you go through anger, pain, frustration, disappointment, or maybe even guilt. Holding on to each other through something that feels impossible to bear is something we should find comfort in. Letting go of past mistakes, family issues, and anger is the best thing we can do in this situation. Forgiveness is ultimately the answer to true healing. Understandably, forgiveness may take time. However, the bible tells us:
" 13 bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do. 14 But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection. 15 And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful. "
Colossians 3:13-15 (NKJV)
In my most recent encounter with loss, a horrible, tragic loss, an unimaginable loss and devastation felt, it hits different when someone takes their own life. Questions arise, “What could I have done differently?” “ Why?” “Why weren’t my efforts to reach them enough?” “If I had only called her that day,” I tried to be a light to my sister. I tried to encourage, uplift, and do what I thought was helping her. Calls and texts to encourage and understand what she was going through. Ultimately, my efforts weren’t enough. See, that’s guilt, frustration, and anger. A great friend told me, “You’re not God, you can’t be everywhere, and this is not your fault,” Words I truly needed to hear and play on repeat in my mind because she is right. Even though we try to help in the ways we are able, we all have free will. Each person makes a million choices daily. Oh, how I pray she didn’t make that choice. However, I am realizing we question because it’s human nature. We crave answers and knowledge; this is how God designed us. We may never know exactly why she took her own life, or have all the answers we desire. All we can hope and pray for is the peace that only God can provide.
All of this is still new; she passed a little over a month ago. I wake up at night, thinking about the should, could, and would have. Early mornings, I still reach for my phone, think I need to text her today, and break down in tears knowing I will never be able to text, call, or encourage her again. Someone might remind me of her, and I cry. Knowing I will never hear her sweet voice, I cry. It is good to cry when you need to cry. It hurts so much because you love them so much. Although my sister and I’s relationship wasn’t always perfect, I loved her deeply, I respected her, and thought very highly of her.
Alcoholism is ugly; it can tear down relationships, cause reactions they wouldn’t do if they were not drinking, and hurt those closest to you. Looking back, watching and replaying the years, I wouldn’t change it. We had our arguments and our laughs. I never told her she needed to quit drinking, nor did I make her feel bad about herself for numbing the trauma she experienced with alcohol. I silently prayed for her behind her back. I prayed that she would find the help she needed. After years of prayer, she checked herself into rehab. I fell to my knees and praised God that he put the right person in her life at the right time to make that happen, and she was sober for a year. Boy, was I proud of her. I told her every chance I could, how proud of her I was. She was seeking help with counseling and doing great with that, too. We were able to reconcile over the last year, talk, encourage, and uplift, and became close friends again. I am truly thankful for the gift of that love and friendship. Thankful that God provided a way, we were able to restore our relationship. It was beautiful to see her shine and enjoy a sober life.
As we navigate mourning the loss of a daughter, wife, mother, sister, and friend. First, we remember to take refuge and comfort in Jesus’s arms and reflect on what a beautiful soul my sister was. She is and will always be loved deeply. Her loss will linger a lifetime. Though she is gone, the love she brought into this world remains with us—in the memories we carry, in the ways she shaped our lives, in the quiet moments when we feel her presence in our hearts. In the way she gave of herself without hesitation and without a thought. She truly was a giver. She put others before herself. Often sacrificing time, money, and energy that she could have spent on other things. Many are blessed by her and through her. Although she might not have seen how beautifully giving she was, nor how she touched the lives of those around her. We see it, and we can take comfort in knowing she was the hands and feet of Jesus, even though she didn’t see that in herself. I don’t know about you, but I can often be my own worst critic.
Grief after suicide carries its own particular ache. Alongside our sorrow, there may be questions we cannot answer, guilt we don’t deserve to carry, and a painful wondering about what we might have missed or could have done differently. Please be gentle with yourselves. Mental pain can be as overwhelming and unrelenting as physical pain, and sometimes it becomes more than a person can endure. This was not a failure of love—not hers, and not ours. This is not a burden we need to carry. It is not your fault.
If you are suffering with a loss right now, too, I pray that you know and understand that in the days, weeks, and months ahead, there will be hard moments. Times when grief hits and feels fresh all over again. There will be birthdays, holidays, and random Tuesdays that seem unbearable. Please remember, this is normal. This grief we all feel is because we loved that person so much. It is okay to not be okay. It’s okay to ask for help. It is okay to remember them with laughter and with tears, and it’s ok to feel joy when it comes.
Please remember this: we all grieve, and we don’t grieve in the same way or on the same timeline. Some of us will want to talk about them often; others will need quiet. Some will find comfort in gathering together; others will need solitude to process. All of these ways are valid. What matters is that we extend compassion and grace to ourselves and to each other as we navigate this new path.
As we move forward, with their memory healed close, I pray we can be kind, find peace and comfort in His everlasting presence. May we hold space for the love we have for our loved ones and the pain we feel in their loss. And find, in time, a way to carry this loss that allows us to continue living, loving, and honoring the gift of having known them.
If you are suffering from PTSD or another type of trauma, please know you’re not alone. You might feel isolated, shut down, detached, depressed, or overwhelmed to the point of not knowing where to turn or what to do. You might be dealing with intense fear or feelings, flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance that you have no control over. These are all valid in dealing with trauma. There is nothing wrong with you; you have probably experienced something horrific that is unimaginable and unbearable at times, like a weight you aren’t meant to carry. Consider seeking help from a counselor. I personally suffer from PTSD due to trauma, I can relate in some ways to what you might be going through, and I find comfort in seeking counsel first and foremost in God’s word. He brings me peace and comfort like no other. But let’s face it, we are human, and in God’s design, He made us physical beings who need conversation, physical touch, and closeness from others, especially in times of need. I see a counselor monthly to help me navigate and understand how trauma affects the brain and body. This helps me understand that the things I am facing aren’t due to something that’s wrong with me, but something that happened to me, which was out of my control, and I didn’t have the tools to work through it. Please reach out to someone today. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please call the suicide hotline in your area and get the help you need. It is not worth taking your life over. You have a lot to offer, even in suffering; you can help someone else. You could be the light for someone in their darkness. I will leave you with a few verses to meditate on that help me when I am having a rough day.
" Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. "
Hebrews 4:16 (NKJV)
" I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. "
Psalms 121:1-2 (NIV)
" Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. "
Matthew 11:28 (NIV)
" For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you. "
Isiah 41:13 (NKJV)