PTSD doesn’t announce itself — it shows up in the quiet moments, the triggers you didn’t see coming, and the weight you can’t explain. Here’s how God’s Word became my anchor when nothing else could reach me.
I lived in the present, enjoying life and rarely thinking about my past, unless someone brought up a specific memory. I avoided uncomfortable topics and memories of childhood trauma. Then, unexpectedly, anxiety, depression, anger, and resentment surfaced. Major life changes followed: an accident, the birth of our first child, closing my business after over a decade, and moving out of state. Isolation set in after the move because I didn’t know anyone. Depression and anxiety lingered. After a major surgery and our second child’s birth, we moved out of state again.
We faced struggles like everyone else, health concerns, homeschooling our children, and loss of loved ones. My husband had been in and out of the hospital with chronic illness, young children in tow, trying to hold it together in front of them and explain the situation in a way their little minds could understand. Thankfully, most of that has gotten better. Then I was faced with a difficult surgery scheduled a few months out. Sure, I had some difficult surgeries in the past, but this one shook me to my core. It had only been a year since the last surgery, making this the seventh. Maybe it was because of the immense pressure and pain I knew was coming from past surgical procedures. Possibly due to the fact that they had to go back in to remove the fourth hernia, and to remove my uterus due to previous complications. The surgery was scheduled. “I’m tough,” I thought to myself. I’ve faced uphill climbs and overcome obstacles that were deemed impossible. Got through that one, then ended up back in the operating room a few months later due to complications and another hernia. This left me with a large hole in my abdomen, which needed a wound-vac to heal and another 6 months of recovery time.
Our children, older now, have seen both their parents in the hospital multiple times. They’re troopers. We are absolutely blessed to have these beautiful, amazing children. They helped my husband as much as they could. Cooking meals, getting blankets, and helping me get up and down. Sharing the load. They’re stronger for it.
Through the years, I had some battles with depression and anxiety, like many others, I experienced a weight I couldn’t shake. I started having flashbacks of things that took place during my childhood, which I had somehow forgotten. Thinking to myself, “This can’t be real, it was just a dream.” Of course, I turned to our old friend Google to find answers. I stumbled upon some articles that really made me think long and hard. The flashbacks became more frequent, intense, and almost as if they were real. I would wake up sweating, gasping for air, frantic, almost to the point of feeling like I had no control over my body or my thoughts. This scared me. I became short-tempered, easily irritated, and offended by everything anyone said. It was like my thoughts were on repeat; I couldn’t get this chaos out of my head. I would physically shake, get angry, and frankly, become someone I didn’t like. I thought of it like a tornado, all these thoughts, anger, resentment, depression, bitterness were going every direction, and it would not stop. I self-diagnosed with PTSD after my continued Google search. I wanted to know more, so I reached out to a Doctor. They ran some tests, we had a few therapy sessions, and eventually diagnosed me with CPTSD. Otherwise known as Complex PTSD, a complex condition often caused by chronic childhood abuse, neglect, shaming, or emotional abandonment.
Now I knew for sure what the issue was. However, the random thoughts, self-deprecation, negative behaviors, and irritability wouldn’t subside. I truly felt like I was going insane. When these flashbacks occurred, I couldn’t always distinguish between the past and present. The fight-or-flight response is truly intense; Amygdala hijacking is an immediate, overwhelming response that triggers the fight-or-flight reaction to a perceived threat, bypassing rational thought. The randomness of what triggered me was infuriating. One minute I’d be out enjoying a family outing, I’d hear a loud noise and jump, or a familiar voice and shudder. The guilt of not being a good wife and mother took over. These triggers and irrational behavior made me believe I am not good enough. I had never truly learned how to deal with the trauma because I hadn’t given it much thought, nor did I think I had the tools to get through it, and that hasn’t been healthy.
Yikes. Wake-up call.
We do bible class as part of our homeschool curriculum. We attend church when the doors are open unless we are out of town or sick. However, if I am being completely honest, I was just going through the motions.
I got on my knees and begged God to help me. I screamed, cried, and shook my fist at Him, asking why God, why? A desperate plea from a tired, worn-out wife and mother who was barely holding it together.
Can you relate?
I started getting up every morning with a gratitude prayer, opening my bible and reading God’s word, praying, and spending time with Him. Intentionally focusing on God first. That is what the bible says after all.
" But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."
Matthew 6:33 (NKJV)
Was this a magical thing that made all things better from day one? No, that’s laughable. Did all my worries and struggles disappear? No. In fact, the enemy at times hit harder than ever before. What seemed like every waking moment living in chayos, it’s an every now and then that I battle with things mentioned above. I know this might sound too good to be true. Life is full of peaks and valleys; the effort you put in is what you will get out of it. There is a lot of sacrifice, patience, daily practice, perseverance, and prayer. Some days I tend to pray non-stop; other days, I pray a few times. However, I no longer go a day without talking to God.
I started intentionally reading relevant passages and praying using scripture. These were some hard hitters and truths I desperately needed. All verses are from the NKJV. Pro-tip: You can search the concordance in the back of most Bibles; some don’t have them, look for keywords and go to the corresponding scriptures.
" Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."
Philippians 4:6-9 (NKJV)
" And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Romans 12:2 (NKJV)
" But I beg you that when I am present I may not be bold with that confidence by which I intend to be bold against some, who think of us as if we walked according to the flesh. For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled."
2 Corinthians 10:2-6 (NKJV)
" For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)
See, our war is with the enemy, a spiritual warfare; we have fleshly desires that we can cast down. We can ask God to reveal and release the strongholds that keep us in the bondage of sin. We can hold every thought captive and meditate on good things instead of bad.
A gradual shift from anxious, self-deprecating thoughts to thoughts that were positive, joyful, and praiseworthy. There was a subtle change in my life. I didn’t really pay it much attention at first, but then I had a thought: God has never and will never leave you. He is my comfort and strength.
When I feel the shift from peace to chayos. I take a deep breath, remind myself that the feeling or flashback I am experiencing won’t last forever. I pray, grounding myself in scripture, then remind myself of this. Jesus willingly went to the cross, paying a debt He didn’t owe. He died for my sins because He loves me that much. When I choose to keep going past the cross to pick up that sin. I am making myself an idol. If I believe Jesus is who he says he is, then all my sins are paid for and forgiven by His death, burial, and resurrection. Why do I go past the cross to pick it back up?
A visual exercise: great for kids too! I highly recommend you try this activity. It’s POWERFUL!
1: Find a cross that you can sit on the floor a few feet from you.
2: Take some paper, cut it in half. Write one sin you’re struggling with down on each piece of paper, wad it up, and throw it as hard as you can (try to make sure you get it past the cross).
3: Take turns doing this until you have written your sins down on separate pieces of paper and thrown them past the cross.
4: Sit on the floor a few feet from the cross. Get up, grab a piece of paper, walk back, and sit on the floor. Don’t open the paper, just lay it next to you. This is for the respect and privacy of others participating in this activity.
5: Repeat this process until all of the wadded-up paper has been retrieved.
How much physical effort did it take for you to get up, walk over, pick up a piece of paper, walk back, sit down, and repeat?
How much effort are we using, and how much time are we wasting going past the cross to pick up the sin that Jesus has already paid for and forgiven us for?
Reminds me of a couple of verses. I highly recommend memorizing these so you can use them in moments of struggle.
" As a dog returns to his own vomit, so a fool repeats his folly."
Proverbs 26:11 (NKJV)
" Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces."
Matthew 7:6 (NKJV)
In context, this phrase comes from the sermon on the Mount where Jesus tells his followers not to give their sacred things to the dogs or throw their pearls to the pigs. These verses advise against wasting valuable things, wisdom, truth, or kindness for example on those who don’t appreciate or understand them. Think of it as teaching you decernment in sharing, setting bounderies with those who don’t have your best interest at heart and warning that improper timming can lead to conflict.
Healing from trauma of any kind takes time, patience, perseverance, surrender, and grounding yourself in truth. When triggered, remember to breathe in slowly for 4 seconds and out for 4 seconds. This resets your trauma brain “fight-or-flight” response, decreasing your cortisol and adrenaline. Remind yourself that you are safe, these things aren’t happening to you right now, and you are in control. Keep breathing slowly, ground yourself in truth, remind yourself of your safety, read the Bible, and pray. Going outside barefoot and sitting on the ground, a hike, a mountain bike ride, a brisk walk, or a jog is healing. Naming your grief/trauma, AKA calling it what it is, resisting the inner critic, “this will never get better… I am an utter failure,” and replacing that with “ I can overcome this….I am strong….I am worthy…I am worth fighting for…I can do hard things.” and filling your thoughts with scripture from the bible can truly be a powerful tool in your journey out of darkness.
Positivity will always deter negativity. I pray that this has helped you in some way and you can start your healing journey today. Start becoming the person that God has called you to be. Out of the darkness and into HIS light. If you are in crisis, please reach out to someone for help. You’re not alone. You’re not crazy. This is not your fault.